Santa woes

When your young and gullible, most people believe in santa, atleast until you realise you haven't got a chimney for him to fall down. Well, Canada has taken the fantasy one step further. Over 11,000 postal office workers collect and reply to children's "Dear Santa..." messages ever year. Except now, a rotten elf has entered santa's workforce. Police in Ottawa are trying to track a so called 'elf' for writing nasty replies to children. Unfortunately, they didnt include any examples so i see no harm in making some up:

"No, for the last time, you are not getting a stupid pony!"

Dear Santa... i want a ferrari, a train set, a toy chest, a puppy, a bike, a game and a BIG tin of candy! "You greedy little S.O.B"

"No!"

"Santa's NOT real! I'm being paid $5 an hour to listen to your dribble! Get out of my face!"

Dear Santa... i want to be an Astronaut! "Yeah, so? What do you want me to do about it?"

"Listen kid, good boys don't get the best presents. The one's with rich parents do! Your parents are poor, theres no presents for you. Thanks for writing!"

"Santa's dead!"

"Your 15 and you still believe in Santa!! Here's a prescription!"

How does Santa get to every place in the world in one night? "Ok, ill let you into a little secret. Santa has this friend you see, lets call him the 'Fed-ex man'."

"Dear George, thank-you for your recent and lengthy christmas wish list including English language courses, a remote control nuclear weapon 'toy', a new vice president, the extradition of one Mrs H Clinton, a proper presidential election victory, a big juicy Texan-style steak and a pony! It is with regret i have to tell you that Santa's rather busy the night of the 24th and the paperwork required for many of those things is lengthy. I do, however, include a big red button! Yours sincerely, Santa!"